Photo: timkelley
Matador’s destination expert on Egypt lays out the country’s avoidable attractions…and what you should do instead.
1. Don’t… ride a camel at the Pyramids
Those gaudy pompoms and tassels look rather fetching on the camel, and you couldn’t ask for a more magnificent backdrop for your showoff photos than the Pyramids. The owner will even tell you his camel is free to get on.
It is. It’s just getting off that’ll cost you whatever cash you’ve got. Leaping off an eight-foot-tall camel is no easy feat, and sand ain’t so soft when you land nose first.
Do… ride a camel into the desert behind the Pyramids
There are loads of stables near the Sphinx that arrange trips into the desert. Shop around — prices and the condition of the animals vary greatly.
The best time to go is for sunset. You get a wonderful view of the Pyramids, combined with the mournful call to prayer that echoes through the desert from mosques all over Cairo.
Word of warning: For every leg-splayed hour astride a camel, you’ll spend a day walking like John Wayne.
2. Don’t… take a guided tour of the West Bank of Luxor
There’s a good chance you’ll spend more time touring the alabaster factories than the sights. And even some of the best guides will bludgeon you into indifference with an endless succession of pharaonic “facts.”
Also, don’t bother paying extra to enter Tutankhamen’s tomb at the Valley of the Kings. It’s tiny, incomplete, and entirely underwhelming.
Sure, you can see his shriveled head and feet poking out each end of a grotty blanket. But the portion covering his body is suspiciously flat.
Photo: Mossaiq
Do… hire bicycles and go your own way
Ride through dusty villages and bright fields of sugarcane, visiting the sights you want, at the pace you want.
At the Valley of the Kings, visit the tomb of Ramesses V instead of King Tut. Tremendous colours in there.
3. Don’t… climb Mount Sinai for sunrise
Everybody does this, but it turns what should be a pleasant ascent into a nightmare. You have to get up before you’ve even gone to bed and stumble up a bumpy track in the pitch black while trying to dodge pilgrims and camel farts.
By the time you reach the top, in desperate need of some sort of salvation, there probably won’t be any room for you.
Do… climb for sunset instead
That way you can avoid the crowds and enjoy views of a desolate landscape.
If you arrange it in advance, you can have the local Bedouin cook you dinner and spend the night on the mountain. You’ll wake up refreshed and in prime position to watch sunrise from the smug comfort of your own blanket.
4. Don’t… visit Philae Temple by day
This temple is on an island south of Aswan, and is far too hot and exposed to visit comfortably during the day.
More importantly, flooding caused by the building of the Aswan Dam and the High Dam has washed all the colours away. It’s hard to pick out any details in the harsh sunlight.
Fun fact: After the High Dam was built, Philae Temple was completely submerged. While still under water, it was chopped up and moved to another island.
Do… visit at night for the sound and light show
See the temple blaze against the ink-black sky. The melodramatic story is narrated by “ancient gods and goddesses,” and is simultaneously fascinating, inspiring, and unintentionally hilarious.
Photo: prilfish
5. Don’t… tell your cab driver you’re an atheist
He won’t understand how that’s possible.
There’s a time and a place for enlightened religious discussion, but it’s not when you’re jammed into a Cairo taxi, sweating fumes, and battered by car horns.
You’re already in Hell.
Do… tell him you’re a Christian/Muslim/Jew
It just makes life easier. Anything else will open up a can of holy worms.
When giving directions, end each sentence with “insha’Allah” (God willing). As in, “Turn left, insha’Allah.” You’ll get an automatic 2 LE reduction on your fare.
6. Don’t… smoke Cleopatra cigarettes
There’s a reason why these sexy-sounding little sticks cost only 50 cents a pack. And it’s not, as some would have you believe, because they’re fortified with Vitamin C.
Photo: DavidDennisPhotos.com
Do… mellow out with a shisha pipe
These water-pipes are used to smoke a sticky, fragrant tobacco that comes in loads of different flavours. Apple is a classic. Unflavoured maasel will blow your head off.
Shisha pipes are best enjoyed in a local coffeeshop over a game of backgammon and a cup of grainy Turkish coffee.
Stroking your beard while exhaling a cloud of smoke makes you look philosophical. Gesticulating wildly with the hose makes you look like a prick.
7. Don’t… try molokhiya (Jew’s mallow)
Unless you really like slurping on a gelatinous green soup the consistency of snot mixed with semen. With added stringy bits.
No, really.
Do… try koshary
This is a carbohydrate bomb made out of pasta, rice, lentils, chickpeas, fried onions, and tomato salsa, topped off with a potent chili sauce. Sounds gross; tastes great; costs next to nothing.
Also try pigeon, although with extreme caution. Not only is it booby-trapped with hundreds of fine bones, the Egyptian word for pigeon is very similar to that for toilet.
8. Don’t… buy the tourist tat from Khan al-Khalili
This includes, but is not limited to:
- Galabayas embroidered with pictures of Egyptian gods and goddesses.
- Genuine fake papyrus.
- Those offensively cheesy t-shirts which say something like, “A camel can go for 14 days without a drink; I can’t!”
Photo: Andrew Currie
And just for the record, if a vendor wants 140 LE for an “onyx” cat statue, and you pay 120 LE, it doesn’t mean you got a good deal. Or even haggled.
Do… seek out genuine, practical souvenirs
You can pick up decent, wearable galabayas at any local market, and good quality shisha pipes from just north of Khan al-Khalili.
Spices, scarves, perfume, and silver are all good buys (though the silver isn’t that pure).
If you must buy pharaonic kitsch, go for a sandstorm-in-a-pyramid paperweight. Now that’s a classy souvenir!
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Hilariously descripitive; laughing so hard I can barley make out the keys on my typing machine. Outstanding writing and great information for travellers !
Keep it up; John Wayne and camel farts… Bwu ha ha ha ha ha !
Cheerios
MikePS Get the photogs who you got the pix from to paste this URL in their photo descriptions on Flickr. Hint: Everybody gets MORE HITS !!!
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Mike, one step ahead of you. We notify the photogs via comment at Flickr that we’ve used their image and include a link back to the article. Thanks for the suggestion anyway!
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Nick! That molokhiya description is truly repulsive. Unfortunately, I am obliged to eat it as the “foreign girlfriend” and will now enjoy it even less as I think of slurping on snotty, stringy semen…Thanks for that! Seriously, though, good stuff man!
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Sorry Mohamed, I know it’s blasphemy to say so, but Molokhiya is vastly over-rated! I agree that people should try it though, preferably at someone’s house rather than in a restaurant. (Funny how everyone’s mum always makes *the best* Molokhiya in Egypt…)
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Sorry that was meant to be a reply to Mohamed ; )
@ Mike – cheers bro, glad you enjoyed it!
@ Jaymie – if you were British, I’d tell you to lie back and think of Queen and country. Since you aren’t, content yourself with the knowledge that ol’ Molly contains lots of calcium and B-vitamins, and is considered a potent aphrodisiac ; )
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Hahaha Nick, I’m in love with your writing. The camel farts thing made me LOL. Cool advice about feigning Christianity too.
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I totally started out trying to explain my belief systems to people (which is difficult to do if you aren’t quite sure yourself!) but it just lead to too many long, tedious and unproductive conversations. Easier by far to lie (and I’m sure God will forgive me).
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That’s kinda how politics works around here, I totally know what you mean.
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Great Piece,Egypt is an amazing place but there are definately many thing that need to be avoided- for sanity’s sake as much as anything.
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Thanks, Matt! Though I think sanity is a hindrance rather than a help if you live in Cairo!
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Great to see your work up, Nick. Can’t wait to use your tips one day.
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Thanks Lauren – hit me up if you ever come out my way… I know LOADS of things not to do in Egypt ; )
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Thanks for the great tips — I’m heading to Egypt next year and will put them to good use. But no camels for me — they’re truly the most awkward, painful form of transportation known to man.
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Camels are incredible creatures, and you have to ride one! It’s well worth the pain, and the fact that (if you are male) you’ll never have children afterwards!
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Ok, granted… there are *some* positive benefits
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Great piece Nick! Like Lauren said, can’t wait to put some of these tip to use someday, insha’Allah!
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Egypt is on my itinerary shortlist for next year–good travel advice def. helps tip the scales!
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Ah, Nick, there’s nothing quite as valuable as a true insider’s advice. I’m happy to say I wasn’t talked into hopping up on a camel and then being stranded until I shelled out the bucks to be let off. And I never thought of climbing Mount Sinai to see the sunset instead of the sunrise. That does sound like a great idea. But how do you get back down?
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Good to know, thanks Nick!
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Soooo can’t wait to go to Egypt now!
Like Hal, it’s definitely on the shortlist for next year.
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Great! Love it.
And totally agree…. except Molokhiya is ok. Don’t mind a bit of snot textured soup.
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I also like Molokhiya, if someone likes okra (Lady’s Fingers) he/she might also like this soup. It is so cheap it is worth trying…and it is good for the stomach!
About the Mount Moses thing on the Sinai I totally agree. It is really ridiculous what is going on there almost every night…
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Thanks so much for the comments, everyone. It’s great to see some of y’all may be coming out to visit next year. (Just don’t make it end of Feb or start of May – I won’t be here!)
@ Sabina – you sleep up there and walk down after you’ve watched the sun come up; can either go the camel path or the Steps of Repentance
@ Amanda – ah, the power of nostalgia. Even stringy snot soup tastes good when it’s a few years and a few thousand miles behind you ; )
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This was great! It made me laugh so hard and yet I still had enough mind to file these tips away for the future. I like how this is not just a “don’t” list but also tells what is worth doing instead. I can only imagine how many people were stranded on top of an eight foot camel begging to be let down! If anything I suppose it gives a story to tell when showing off the pictures.
I look forward to reading more of your writing!!
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Thanks for the comments! It is pretty funny to see – If I ever go to a site like the Pyramids, now, I find myself people-watching more than anything else!
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Love this thread and love your sage advice. I sense a Matador field trip…party in Cairo!
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You got it, man!
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Thank you for the great tips Nick!
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Wise words to live by, undoubtedly. I have a funny feeling you’ve single-handedly spared me several such situations!
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No – you still have to get into those situations… that’s the fun!
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Some things you missed, Nick…….DO bike the Red Sea at sunrise, especially Wadi Gemal National Park, DO bike at Mons Claudianus, a Roman quarry above Safaga, DO the jeep and bike safari to Fustat Port Ghalib and Um Hawitat mines, DO bike Safaga – Al Qusayr and visit Sultan Selim’s Fortress…..
DO bike the West Bank of Luxor and go to al Muhareb Monastery en route to Hotel al Moudira for lunch……DO bike from Esna-Luxor along the Nile……DO bike the Western Desert in Aswan to St, Simeon’s Monastery and ride a camel to the Tombs of the Nobles…..DO bike through beautiful Nubian villages on Aswan’s West Bank…….DO take a boat up to Anakato Nubian B and B up the Nile cataracts for lunch
DO all of these with Egypt Bike and Sail ….. http://www.egyptbikeandsail.com – I did in May and had a fabulous time!
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He he, you were on the same trip as Lola, I take it! I’m jealous…
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Awesome tips! Thanks for the article Nick. I Will be in Egypt for the first time in October… I wonder what they think about Buddhists – or should I just say I am Christian?
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JF – to generalise, Buddhism is not well understood over here. If you want to get into a potentially frustrating discussion about belief systems, tell people you are Buddhist. Otherwise, stick with Christian. Depends who’s asking, and how up for debate you are ; )
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